Grace

‘I am tortured beyond control. My mind is running rampant and out of its state. No serenity. Only a darkness I hate. It has been destroying me for years and I’m scared, and lonely. Sure, Im surrounded by love, friends & family who would die for me…but I still feel alone. Who can help? No one. Help only rests within—this I KNOW. God, Where are you? I keep giving you the run around too. I don’t know how to get back to you. Help me. I am blank. Not mad, maybe a little bit. But not bitter. The shower wont wash it away, it can’t be slept away, laughter numbs it for a minute. Drugs & alcohol prolong the inevitable. I am sick. Sick at my stomach. Sick at my soul. The constant need to purge is always lingering. If only I could cry, but the pain is imbedded. Someone let me out of here. I want to live again. I need help, but I am too ashamed to admit it. I just want to make myself puke over & over again until my nerves are gone. This disease is destroying me.’

This was a passage from my journal in February of 2012, when I was bulimic. Never in a million years, would I have thought that these thoughts would’ve passed through my head. It started with nerves, it continued as I lost weight and was able to maintain it. That person is not me.

I still struggle daily. Not necessarily with the want or need to purge. But with wishing I could crawl in a hole and pray that no one would come looking for me. And that is because I’m in a place called a rut. It’s a depressing, lonely little place. I struggle(d) with body image issues since 6^th-7^th grade until 2013. I had to realize that I CANT measure my self worth by the shape of my body. You see, God made us in his image. You must learn to rejoice in all things flawed and unflawed. Lord, I eat chocolate when I PMS & it is ALL YOUR FAULT!! But, I praise you for it. I praise you for every thought out flaw you weaved into my DNA with your perfect hand. Thank you, Lord for my heart. And my ability to love people fiercely and unconditionally, as you love me. Thank you for humbling me every day. USE ME. For whatever will you see fit. I am perfectly imperfect. When you find that your soul is happy, you will never second guess yourself in the mirror. You cannot measure your worth by your body, hair, teeth, skin, eyebrows, toes, color, sexual preference. BE WHO YOU ARE! You are beautiful. You are righteous. You are worthy.

My mother and I were having a disagreement upon me offering help to someone she just didn’t think deserved help. I remember hollering ‘ Because, Ma! THAT’S WHO I AM!’ She said, ‘Yeah.. well let me know how that works out for you.’ Ouch. She was right. I could help every inch of human flesh in this universe.. but it wouldn’t make a damn bit of a difference until I helped myself.

When circumstances of life leak you dry, choose to see this emptiness as a perfect spot for grace to grow. Make a choice that makes your heart happy. Start with a small one, and let it expand. Happy Monday, dweebs!

Xo

E

Keepin' it real.

I have always wanted to blog, and now that I have time, I have alot to say.

I love to write my feelings. I have such a difficult time expressing them in person. But I am just a 24 year old girl, trying to find myself that I lost a few years ago. And trying to find my place in this world.

I have been to many places. Many countries. I have seen so many amazing, heart breaking, beautiful things in this world. But the ugliest, I see when I look in the mirror. I am so obsequious. I love to please people. I love to make people laugh, smile and feel good about themselves. But, I am a dreamer, and I am impetuous.

When I got into my twenties, I started drinking, doing drugs, shoving so many pills down my throat that I should not be alive today. I am a liar. It became so habitual, it was natural. No need for it, I would literally lie about anything. My deepest regret is hurting and losing the trust of the people who stood by through it all. The ones that implemented UNCONDITIONAL love to me, even when I didn't deserve it.

I have recently made a promise to myself and God that I will strive everyday to be HONEST, HUMBLE and a nice human. I want to be the woman that God intended me to be. I am becoming that woman. IT IS NOT EASY! It takes effort. ALOT OF EFFORT.

But Forgiveness, man. that word. I wouldn't be here without it. I have a purpose on this earth. I may not have found exactly what it is yet, but Im on my way.

My goal of starting this blog is to offer advice, give & receive support from people similar to my situation.

Foolish girl was I to think I could conquer this world all on my own. As one of my favorite gospel songs says 'Down on my knees, I've learned to stand. because I can't even walk without you holding my hand.'

I would love feedback from friends, family, strangers. I want to make a difference to someone in this world. Join me.

Much love to you all!
Ericka